Saturday, September 27, 2008

Mate Picking 101

A girl in our office came in with her usual relationship drama yesterday. Sad to say, unless she significantly raises her standards for the people she dates, this looks to be the course that her life will continue to take. Whether you are male or female, gay or straight, White, Black, Asian, or Hispanic, there are standards that need to be met by a future mate in order to have the basis for a good, solid relationship. Here they are:
  1. No current or recent drug or alcohol problem. I know some guys who are wonderful husbands and fathers and who have been sober for decades. They will tell you themselves that when they were alcoholics and drug addicts they were the worst people on the planet to be around. This is a problem that can't be fixed by another person, only the person with the problem can fix it.
  2. If they are chronically jobless and always borrowing money from you and not paying it back. Guess how your financial life will look after you marry this winner?
  3. If they lie all the time. No one is 100% honest but there is a difference between the occasional lie to save someone's feelings and the person who lies so often you can't trust them to tell you how the weather is when they look out the window.
  4. If there are any signs at all of domestic violence. These include manipulative and controlling behavior, physical aggression, and stalking/spying on you/calling to check where you are twenty times a day. Run for the hills and don't look back.
  5. Ongoing mental health issues. Some people have minor mental health issues that are under control and don't affect their relationships, however others seem to be in a permanent state of out of control; this doesn't bode well for a good relationship.
  6. If they blame everyone else for their lot in life. How your life turns out is totally up to you; how you handle setbacks, and how you respond to others no matter how they have wronged you is also up to you. If a person refuses to take responsibility for themselves and their life, move on, because you will be the next cause of all of their problems.
  7. If they alienate everyone around them. Sometimes issues will arise with friends or family members that will cause people to become estranged, however if the object of your desire has alienated themselves from their entire family and all of the friends they have ever had, this should be a sign.
  8. If something JDLR (just don't look right). Sometimes you get a feeling about someone that you dismiss because you can't pinpoint what the issue is; you want to be the nice person and give them the benefit of the doubt. This is your intuition saying "get out now!"
  9. If you don't click and feel like you are forcing yourself to make the relationship work. One friend considered relationship counseling with a guy she had only known for two months! If you can't get along during the developing stages of a relationship, it's time to cut bait and move on.
  10. If you are a better person by yourself. The mate you are with is supposed to add to your life, not detract from it.
The bottom line is that, theoretically, when you are dating someone and they are trying to woo you into being more than a casual date, they should be on their best behavior. If they show any of the above traits and this is their best behaviour, think of how they will be when they know they "have" you and can relax and be themselves. Scary.


  1. once you are alcoholic or addict you are always one. you can be a sober one though. but relapse ia a daily battle only won with Gods help. thx friend

  2. You bulletpoints are warning signs, but your post is named Mate Picking 101 so I felt compelled to comment.

    One of the most important relationship things that I have learned in the past few years is to make sure that your mate's idea of success is generally the same as yours.

    If both of your visions of what entails success are the same, you will both heading towards the same goal. Maybe not quite the exact same path, but definately in the same direction.

    I wish I had learned this earlier in life, but I am thankful that I learned it before marriage.