Saturday, December 15, 2007

How (Not) to Get Caught

Should there come a time when you decide to do something immoral, unethical, and/or illegal, at least take some basic steps so you won't get caught.

  1. Do said activity alone. A "band of criminals" is a bad idea as one of the band is bound to tell someone (their spouse, a friend, the Feds) what happened. And you will be busted.
  2. Don't leave a paper trail. An investigation is speeded right along with the help of shredded documents (which can be pieced back together), an armload of credit card receipts (ask a PI in a nasty divorce case), a parking ticket (serial killers have been busted this way), or--stupid is as stupid does--a "to do" list for how to commit a murder that is conveniently left by the perpetrator.
  3. Loose lips sink ships. Don't let alcohol, pride, or a seductive woman get you to talk about said activities. You don't want your moment of indiscretion made into a movie of the week while you are rotting away in prison.
  4. Don't put anything in writing, or worse, video. A simple stroll through You Tube will reveal a number of idiots who thought it would be a good idea to boast about their misdemeanors and felonies by video taping their actions and posting them for all (including the DA) to see. Stupid.
  5. Have an alibi. While this may not get you off...and most alibis are shaky at least it will be cause for doubt when the jury is deliberating.
  6. Destroy evidence. By fire or other permanent measure is best. If I had a dime for every criminal who tossed a gun into a river...
  7. Don't provide any evidence...keep your DNA, fingerprints, handwriting, printer or typewriter print, ballistic evidence, et. al. to yourself.
  8. Be responsible for your own destiny. Following a "great plan" presented by your (habitually incarcerated) associate, helping with a "can't miss" scam, or becoming the puppet of someone richer, smarter, or more devious than yourself are all bad ideas. If you are going to do something, you need to devise, develop, and institute the plan yourself; with much foresight and by looking at it from all angles.
  9. Consider alternatives. A hot and steamy affair with the office hottie or a quick romp with a prostitute? Cooking the office books or making (legitimate) money through investments? Murder or just a good ass kicking? There are always alternatives. Choose the alternative with the best ROI (return on investment) and least long term consequences.
  10. Don't do it. The bottom line is that committing any sort of activity that causes you to have to follow the proceeding tips will cause you, at minimum, a great deal of stress. These activities can also cause regret, loss of esteem in the eyes of your peers, and occasionally a stiff jail sentence. So...just don't do it.

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